What They Didn't Tell You About The Zombie Apocalypse...

Surprise, surprise - yet another conversation at work inspired this. I may inadvertently end up writing Zombie Mondays!

So; you're all set for the zombie apocalypse. Holed up in your own doubly reinforced bunker with a year's supply of food. Axe and a copy of The Zombie Survival Guide in hand...

An eerie moaning sound comes from the corner. Kids; asleep. Partner; asleep. Dad; asleep. Mom; not looking her best. Fairly certain she didn't always ooze like that. Or gnaw on her own forearm...

Come to think of it; she did make that trip to the 7-Eleven while you were boarding up the windows... on her own...

Books, blogs and movies the world over prepare you for almost every possible outcome of the rise of the undead. You're prepared for the worst; food shortages, decapitating the undead with a shovel, many months barricaded in a basement with that uncle you've always found a bit creepy... you've even learned some farming skills and resigned yourself to the fact that the Earth may need to be repopulated.

But... could you kill your zombie mom?

Zombie Buddy System

The buddy system; a sacred and - if The Simpsons has taught us anything - utterly failproof tradition. It's been the secret behind everything from crossing the road as a kid at school to travelling across the continent in large groups.

What better scenario to apply it to than the zombie apocalypse? As Zombieland taught us, Rule #29 is Rule #29 for a reason!

One of my co-workers was lamenting the company-wide lack of preparedness for the rise of the undead the other evening. Calls for our managers to allow us to stockpile food and weapons in the basement and add a section to the employee handbook have sadly gone unheeded.

However, it seems that the buddy system has successfully been established across several floors, so I took the liberty of preparing an induction for new employees.

Welcome to [Company of Awesome]. Within your first week of employment, you will be introduced to your designated zombie buddy. This person will be selected based on a range of criteria and graded according to their optimum compatibility with you. Please take the opportunity to attend the training and team building sessions as regularly as you can - ideally you will build a good relationship with your zombie buddy as you may need to survive together in cramped conditions for a long time.

In Case of Zombie Emergency:

1. Leave your work area and find your zombie buddy immediately. Do not return for any of your possessions (unless you keep a weapon in your drawer). Do not attempt to help anyone other than your zombie buddy - if they are unprepared for the apocalypse, they will most likely die in the first few hours anyway.

2. Proceed to the prearranged safe space. If your workplace does not have a designated space, proceed to the most defensible location and grab any available weapons along the way.

3. Should this location be breached, it is best to adopt a back-to-back fighting position with your zombie buddy, unless one of you is wielding a double headed axe.

4. The fundamental basis of the zombie buddy bond is the agreement that you will look out for each other no matter what and - most importantly - that if one of you gets infected, the other will do the necessary.

5. No matter what movies may tell you; fighting zombies in revealing clothing is NOT COMFORTABLE. [Company of Awesome] respects your right to wear clothing of your choice (within reason) to work, but does request that you wear sensible footwear at all times in case of precisely this kind of emergency.

Should societal and economic structure survive in the aftermath of a zombie attack, your family/significant other(s) will be compensated in the event of your death. For more information, please apply to HR for the Zombies Ate My Loved One, What Now? leaflet.